Why Babies Should Listen to Math Rock

First of all, I hate the term 'math rock.'  It's almost as pretentious as it's purveyors socio-political messaging. Except for screamo which, for some reason according to Wikipedia, is considered a math rock subsidiary.  Screamo is the pro-choice movement's ace in the hole.  If any lifer ever wanted proof positive as to why late term abortion should be legal, this should be enough to shut them up and agree that late, late term abortion (somewhere around the fifteenth or sixteenth year of life.) is to generous to those date rapists.

But I digress...

Math rock, and by this I mean good math rock (e.g., pretentious math rock [e.g., music I like]) is this generation's answer to classical music with it's shunning of the traditional verse-chorus-verse pattern of pop music, embrace of a wide range of instrumentation & freedom to have as many or as few lyrics as possible.

Toys 'R' Us would have you believe that the best way to turn Baby Generic into Baby Einstein would be to plonk him down and play tinny, pre-recorded snippets of the classics through a 10 cent speaker made in China by the hands of a little orphan girl not much older than your baby.  To coin an old punk phrase, this is a bold plan drawn up by assholes to screw morons.  How on earth is little Jiminy Cricket going to be the next Stephen Hawking by not having a debilitating genetic birth defect listening to the opening bars of the Lone Ranger's theme song William Tell Overture?

I don't want to disagree with the collective wisdom on the packaging of my son's toys.  I agree that musical appreciation is an inherently important part of the development of a child's brain and what they listen to as children will become an inherent part of their appreciation of music as they grow older.  Case in point was my genuine excitement when my father-in-law showed up over the holidays with A Canadian Brass Christmas CD.  But really, people need to start using those oft overlooked skills of 'thinking' and 'not being dumb and/or lazy.'

The more time I spend around Henry, the more I realize that there is very little difference between a baby and someone who is stoned.  They're really into snacks, doing stuff is a bitch and being spaced out to music and flashing patterns of light is kinda the way to go.

Math rock is gentle (at first), builds to crescendos and creates a mood at a steady pace that, by and large (I'm making some pretty sweeping generalizations about a fairly broad style, here.) builds upon itself making it's changes that are not abrupt and won't freak a baby out.  It's can be playful, serious, intense, relaxing, all that can reflect the mood of a baby.  Much the same way that classical music can be.

It's also a hell of a lot more palatable for people like myself who for years thought Schubert was a water-based version of ice cream.  It also opens the baby to different styles of music and gives it a broad range of sounds to refine as it grows older and develops tastes that are, hopefully, much cooler than your own.

Next time: Why babies are smart & parents are dumb.