A Touch of Bad Taste

On our anniversary, Elisabeth gave me Pablo Neruda's Residence on Earth.  I took it upon myself to read Henry Spain in Our Hearts, which is to me, the centrepiece of the whole book.  It's a beautiful poem, don't get me wrong but for the first time I felt uncomfortable reading something to Henry.  It was beyond the fact that for whatever reason he couldn't settle or get into the rhythm of the voice; it had to do with the horrible images of war, especially those of rivers of dead children's eyes floating in hell, gazing upon their killers face.  Such is war, however and, as many have expressed, anyone who glamorizes it encourages the acts of war.  This poem is a very harsh reminder about the reality of oppression, the resistance it will incur and the fate waiting for those who would put their greed above society's.

I'm more than happy to gently push my politics on my kid, without a context (In his brain), it felt weird reading him this.  If he understood any of it, I'm sure he didn't get the joyous contrast, after all the horror and war, of the Solar Ode to the Army of the People and not the floating eyeballs.

It was also the first time that Henry hasn't connected with a piece of writing.  Next up will be Rimbaud's Season in Hell with, hopefully, better results.

As and aside, I find it impossible to believe that Crass were not intimately with Neruda.  The repetition of phrases and imagery, as well as pentameter of his verse suspiciously mirrors a lot of their music, especially their later work dealing with the Falkland Wars:

Henry: The Official Files:

The newborn years:

Transitioning phase:

Official mugshot:

Some Thoughts on Being a Bad Parent

I think that it's safe to say that from the moment that Henry was born (If not earlier), Elisabeth and I were hyper-aware that we would be putting him into daycare from a very young age.  This awareness definitely affected our relationship with him, our expectations of him and shaped how we've raised him so far.

It's also fairly safe to say that the transition to daycare (Which Elisabeth covered here and here) was much harder on her than I due largely - and obviously - to the fact that she's spent the last seven months with Henry while I went back to work after three weeks and have long ago adjusted to seeing him first thing in the morning and second to last thing at night.

What I wasn't prepared for was how much Henry would flourish at daycare.  After only a few days he was so much more animated, talkative and genuinely happier.  By being around other kids, most of whom were older than him, he really seemed up to the challenge of Getting On With It and very quickly has started to grow in faster and far more interesting ways, finding much more joy in the world.

It's easy to do so when you go from being an only child to suddenly having nine friends.  It also helps when you've got four adults caring for you and having the energy (read: salary, I'm being honest here) but also drive to work with kids (In keeping with being honest, I sure as hell couldn't hack it) in energetic and creative ways.  It also helps to have a whole school at your disposal along with a wide range of toys which have been collected over years.

There have been the obvious revelations (He loves music) to the less than obvious (He likes to share) that we would never have known had he not have had this kind of interaction.  He has also dealt with the transition really well with the sole exception being his insistence to do a poo just before leaving.

I for one have found that I actually spend more quality time with him (About an hour every morning getting him ready, plus the twenty minute walk to the daycare) and it feels that Elisabeth is still able to connect with him one-on-one between picking him up and by the time I get home.

It's still early days yet but we've started to settle into a routine that feels quite comfortable and has resulted in a much happier child.  One that is suddenly pushing himself to explore new movements and sounds, to be able to deal with change and to socialize with all sorts of people.  I'm happy with the choice we've made and thus far it seems unlikely that he will grow up vote conservative or to torture animals which, as we all know, are one and the same.

Henry's Bedtime Routine

Submitted for approval at the request of Wifey, my bedtime routine with Henry:

1. Lay Henry down in his crib facing the opposite way to which he sleeps, let him chill out with Mr. Pickles & look at his mobile.
2. When he requests it, give him his bedtime top up bottle.
3. Burp him while gently rubbing his back in a circular motion, quietly counting down from 30 as the circles become slower and lighter.
4. Lay him down in bed, place Mr. Pickles on top of him and announce each blanket as they're laid down on him: "First your soft yellow and white duck blanket (Tuck him in)... Then your blue bamboo blanket (Tuck him in)... Now your satin-lined Henry blanket (Placed slightly higher than the other blankets so he can rub his face on it)... And finally Ganesh, the Remover of Obstacles (Elephant blanket placed on top)."
5. Then I sit in the rocking chair next and read to him while he holds my finger (Current reading: The House on Pooh Corner) until he lets go and suffles around with pickles and starts to fall asleep.
6. Move the chair to the other side of the room and give Henry a kiss goodnight which, I've noticed he won't properly fall asleep without.

Henry meets Two-Eyes the Pirate Turtle.

One day Henry and Mr. Pickles the Flying Carpet Horse were playing down by the beach when they heard the sounds of someone crying behind a rock.  They went to see what was going on and found a turtle dressed as a pirate.

"Why are you crying," asked Henry.

"People make fun of me because I'm not a real pirate," said the turtle.  "I don't have any booty and look at this," he said as he lifted his eye patch.  "I've even got two eyes.  I don't really need this eye-patch but if I don't wear it I'll just look like a turtle in a silly hat.  Everyone at the yacht club calls me 'Two-Eyes' and makes fun of me."

Henry felt very sad for Two-Eyes and came up with a great idea.  The two of them rode Mr. Pickles home and headed straight for his aquarium.

"I happen to know that at the deepest, darkest corner of this aquarium lives The Happy Clam who has been working hard at making a pearl," said Henry.  "If you get that, you will have definitely committed an act of piracy and no one at the yacht club should make fun of you any more since you'll have some booty."

"But," said Mr. Pickles nervously.  "Isn't it more complicated than that?  Aren't there... guardians?"

"That's true," said Henry.  "But we shouldn't have any problems with them."

So Henry, Mr. Pickles and Two-Eyes jumped into the aquarium and started swimming to the bottom.

The first guardian they came to was the Crinkle Crab.  He had laid down crinkly paper all along the bottom of the aquarium so that if anyone stepped on it, it would wake up The Happy Clam and he would close his mouth so tight no one would ever be able to get his pearl.

Luckily Henry and his friends realized they were in water and weightless so they swam over Crinkle Crab and his crinkly paper without making a sound.

The next guardian was The Clown Fish.  When he swam up to everyone he started to make such funny faces and sounds that Henry was laughing so much that Mr. Pickles and Two-Eyes thought they'd never get past him.  Finally Mr. Pickles put himself between the two of them so that Henry wouldn't be distracted by The Clown Fish's funny faces and he and Two-Eyes were able to swim deeper into the aquarium.

Then came the third guardian, Jingle the Star Fish who was always playing bells.  Henry realized that someone would have to stay behind to occupy Jingle so he decided to because he had a maraca and knew a little piano that his mother had taught him.

While he and jingle worked on a song, Two-Eyes swam into the deepest, darkest corner of the aquarium where The Happy Clam lived.

But there was a problem.

"I can't see," said Two-Eyes.  "My eyes haven't adjusted to the light and if I don't find The Happy Clam soon, it'll realize someone is committing an act of piracy and close it's mouth forever."

Then Henry remembered something his Uncle Mark had said and sang out while playing the maraca & piano with Jingle,

"Move, move, move your patch,
Gently to your other eye,
Your night vision will have been protected
And The Happy Clam's pearl you'll espy."

So Two-Eyes moved the patch to the other eye and discovered that his night vision had, in fact, been protected.  He saw The Happy Clam and was able to swipe her pearl before she knew what was what.

Then he, Henry and Mr. Pickles swam out of the aquarium (But not before Henry had another good laugh at The Clown Fishes funny faces and sounds.) and got back on dry land.

"Thank you! Thank you!" Said Two-Eyes.  "Now I really am a pirate and no one at the yacht club will make fun of me.  I've also learned that it's okay to be a pirate with two eyes.  From now on I'll never be ashamed of my handicap."

"No problem," said Henry who waved goodbye to Two-Eyes and rode home on Mr. Pickles so that he could chew on some slices of organic apple.

How Henry Got a Magical Carrot

One day Henry and Mr. Pickles the Flying Carpet Horse noticed Miranda Bunny in the garden looking unhappy.

“What’s wrong,” asked Henry.  “You look so sad.”

“This garden is mostly paved,” said Miranda Bunny. “And there is only a very small plot of dirt and those horrible, horrible raccoons keep coming around at night eating everything I plant.  If they keep it up, I shall have to go hungry this Winter.”

“That’s terrible,” said Mr. Pickles.

“What I really need,” said Miranda Bunny, “are some magical greens that could grow me enough food and scare off those horrible, horrible raccoons.”

Henry had an idea.

Later on, he rode Mr. Pickles to the Valuemart and asked the staff if they had and magical greens.  But they didn’t.  And all they could afford were three fiddleheads which had fallen on the ground and gotten run over by a shopping cart.

“Somehow,” suggested Mr. Pickles, “I don’t think those fiddlehead greens have much magic in them.”

But Henry had another idea.

After they had flown home, Henry got out his paints and he and Mr. Pickles painted the magic into the greens.

Henry painted his fiddlehead with orange and blue tiger stripes.

Mr. Pickles painted his fiddlehead yellow with pink and red polka dots.

They had run out of paint for the third fiddlehead so they covered it in glue and rolled it in sawdust.

Miranda Bunny was ecstatic when they presented the magical greens to her.  She was so happy that she gave them each a magical carrot that would improve their eyesight so much that they would be able to see through things.  Right away she planted the fiddleheads.

“But are they magical?” asked Mr. Pickles nervously.

“I sure hope so!” said Henry.

And they were.  From the tiger stripped fiddlehead grew more fiddleheads with orange and blue tiger stripes.  From the polka dotted fiddlehead grew yellow fiddleheads with pink and red polka dots.  But for some reason there were always way more pink polka dots than red.

And from the fiddlehead covered in sawdust grew a vine from which neatly sanded and water resistant planks hung.

Naturally, the horrible, horrible raccoons didn’t know what to make of these strange plants and went back to eating garbage.  Miranda Bunny was able to save up enough food to get her through the winter and all future winters.  She used the planks to make a really great hutch with a bay window and a turret.


Next time: Why Anthony Bourdain is to food as Christopher Hitchens is to God.

Goals for Henry

Elisabeth:
For him to play an instrument;
To enjoy reading;
To respect women;
To love nature.

Stephen:
To be find happiness without making others unhappy;
To appreciate artistry.